Funny column from San Francisco Weekly

I found this article hysterical, not only because my right-wing Christian dad loves Christian speed metal, but because I went to a high school where we were all forced to watch Hell's Bells, a three-hour documentary about how ALL secular pop and rock music is influenced by Satan. Of course whenever they'd show it, we'd all sing along with the songs. Hail, Satan!

The premise of the article is that the columnist, called The Infiltrator, gets himself booked on a public access TV show where they interview people who had transformative religious experiences. He pretends to be a speed metal guitarist who used to be in a drug-using, headbanging, non-churchgoing speed metal band but after a stint in rehab got religion and turned to playing speed metal for Jesus.

Some of the best lines:

"After much consideration, I decide to name my fictional Christian metal band Pray-er (rhymes with Slayer). The reason: It allows me to get indignant when people mispronounce it. ("It's not Prayer, it's Pray-er!")"

"'Wait, the Lord called you 'dude'?!'"

But if you read the article for no other reason, read it for the original lyrics he wrote and introduces thusly:

"I pull out a piece of paper and begin reciting, in classic Dio tradition, the genre of metal that's all Dungeons & Dragons-y and full of juvenile, execrable junior high school poetry. It's my original Christian-metal composition,'Crush Satan's Skull!'"

He's not kidding about the Dio-ness. The song has "sin goblins", for crying out loud. And a winged horse named Malachi. Like a rainbow in the dark.